Get ready; we’re just about one year away from the next Presidential election. It’s time for empty promises, mudslinging, and broken dreams—typical for Washington politicians. It also accurately describes Rush Week frat parties in college, except nobody wants to see Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi in a wet T-shirt contest.
The Democrats have already begun their ad campaigns, most of which mention something about restoring hope or keeping hope alive or similar nonsense. Back in early August, a pro-Obama Internet ad popped across the top of a web page I was surfing. “Re-elect Obama,” it promised, “and keep restoring change across America!” I’ve had enough of his change, thank you, as most of it was unwanted and poorly implemented. His only true talents seem to be making speeches—he’s adept at the art of vague statements—and accusing Republicans and Tea Partiers when something goes wrong. Furthermore, who decided a banner ad that inexplicably evades ad-blocker plug-ins was the best way to promote a re-election campaign? Why would I admire anyone whose publicity department has posted obnoxious online banner ads?
At least the Dems have someone to champion. While the donkey’s spin machine attempts to brainwash Americans to forget everything the Democrats destroyed when they controlled Congress, the Republicans are too busy flipping through their Rolodex of Old People to start any legitimate campaign. Who exactly is the Republican front-runner? Is it Mitt Romney, the guy who bankrupted his state with government-financed healthcare? I personally like Herman Cain, but his prospect of nomination is slim; gun-totin’ Joe and his overdressed wife Sue from Alabama aren’t going to vote a black man into the Presidential office, even if he opposes abortion and wants to ship every homosexual in America to a tropical island. (Which, incidentally, he doesn’t; and wouldn’t they just create some sort of resort?) Poor Michele Bachmann doesn’t stand a chance for the same reason Sarah Palin didn’t: she is an intelligent, moderately attractive female, and the media will destroy her. The women are also both extremely conservative, to the point of being scary.
As we prepare for the primaries, debates, commentaries, and Saturday Night Live sketches that will inundate prime-time television over the next twelve months, perhaps we should review lessons learned from the previous election.
1. One man cannot bring happiness to the masses unless his name is Jesus or Willie Wonka.
2. The mainstream national media played us for fools. They decided whom they wanted to win and reported only good things about him. Thus, while allegedly objective news anchors worshiped everything Obama did, the only news about Sarah Palin was when she bought clothes or spoke with a funny accent. No one in the mainstream press analyzed Obama’s policies, questionable acquaintances, or vague statements. Network-television news anchors were too busy squealing and peeing in their seats every time he spoke.
3. Quick reminder: John McCain, who was not a crackpot, ran against President Obama. Sarah Palin was only the Vice-Presidential candidate, and Joe Biden is nuttier than she is.
4. Over the last four years, Fox News has graduated from the sidelines to a mainstream news source—for better or for worse. At least nearly all its female anchors are hot. Almost. Sorry, Greta.
5. Saturday Night Live got lucky with a few sketches, but the show isn’t any funnier than it was before the election. How much do those people get paid for producing sophomoric, boring entertainment? Even the live audience barely laughs.
6. Actors and actresses aren’t political authorities for anyone except people who like being told what to think.
Regardless of which side of the aisle you prefer, or whether you’d rather throw boxes of tea into Boston Harbor, try keeping your own political discussions intelligent and friendly. Some of my friends are elephants, some are donkeys, and some are mutants, but we don’t let political persuasions destroy our fun. We American citizens we need to remain calm and well balanced, because let’s face it: nobody in Washington is good at that.
©2011 Timothy Samaha. First published in PoV Magazine.
