It’s reassuring to know our country narrowly escaped the end of the world last month. The Swine Flu epidemic (or “H1N1,” as Obama calls it to avoid offending pigs) threatened our health, children, and fast-food supplies; nothing was safe. According to TV stations, a Porky-Pig pandemic would consume the earth with a plague unseen since ancient Egypt, rendering the human race extinct. Considering how the flu originated in Mexico and first crossed into the Texan border, it was as if the ghost of Santa Anna were getting revenge for his “Remember-the-Alamo” defeat at the Battle of San Jacinto.

But we’re here. We’re alive. No one mutated into a monster; we didn’t need Will Smith to develop a vaccine for us. Some government leaders are accepting credit for conquering the swine flu, but they didn’t really do anything except tell us to wash our hands. That’s excellent hygiene advice; too bad it doesn’t stop people from coughing into your face.

The swine flu obviously wasn’t any more an epidemic than the regular flu, but it was an excellent ratings booster for the news media. Ah, the poor TV stations—they had gone weeks without anything to sensationalize. Fox News was growing tired of whipping Obama’s butt, and MSNBC was almost (but not quite) weary of kissing it. Everyone needed a good, bona-fide, eyeball-grabbing headline to capture viewers who left for “Hee-Haw” reruns.

The swine flu was the industry’s saving grace. It was unusual; it was porcine; it was from Mexico and played into the illegal immigration stories. The media jumped on the story like a rooster in a Mexican cockfight. Headlines first terrified Americans with reports that 60 citizens caught the dreaded flu, as opposed to the millions who catch the regular one every winter. Even as more Americans contracted the disease and lived, and we realized the flu wasn’t as horrible as we feared, the media would not drop the story. One TV station advised viewers to develop a Swine Flu Emergency Kit. Stylishly contained in a black box clearly labeled “H1N1 Emergency,” the lifesaving gear comprised a spray can of Lysol, bottles of hand sanitizer and liquid soap, and a box of Kleenex. It was like preparing an emergency plan for the common cold. I was disappointed to see head-wound bandages, leg splints, and distress signal flares were omitted. At least swine flu survivors would have felt as if they were on a Boy Scout adventure.

I will concede that the swine flu will probably mutate into another strain in time for the winter flu season, and I guarantee the news stations will report when it happens. Next time, let’s make the whole ordeal more exciting. In addition to the H1N1 emergency kit and face masks, I’ll bring a few pitchforks; you can provide the torches. A katana or two wouldn’t hurt, either. Then we can all bunker down in a cave somewhere with canned beans and roast hot dogs and marshmallows until the epidemic is over. We’ll live off tree bark and berries when we run out of food, and we’ll eventually get our own television show on the Discovery Channel to show how we survived. Don’t forget the leg splints and distress flares.

©2009 Timothy Samaha

First Published in PoV Magazine