The Presidential election ended a month ago, but it’s still too recent for many Americans to shift comfortably from politics to “Peace on Earth.” Christmas encourages us to extend warmth and kindness to those around us; perhaps kindness would be easier if we hadn’t experienced the most divisive political climate in decades. Furthermore, partisan attitudes can easily be transferred to Christmas: depending on one’s persuasion, Santa could be either a Republican who admonishes nice children to earn their presents, or a Democrat who collects the good children’s toys and redistributes them to the naughty kids. Libertarian Santa would tell everyone to smoke pot and let the states decide who gets presents. But the real Santa Claus—the one who lives at the North Pole and eats cookies without dying from clogged arteries—would present a very different plan. In fact, Santa’s policies would revolutionize the American political system, and since I happen to be very good friends with Mr. Claus, he has allowed me to share his vision for America with you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Proposal #1: Naughty Folks Get No Votes.
Santa hates the way Americans generally vote by party lines instead of according to the issues. As opposed to the spectrum of gray that characterizes our politicians, Santa sees the world in black and white—you’re either naughty or nice. Did this person accept campaign contributions from organizations that also support terrorist groups? If so, he’s naughty. What about prior relationships with hateful religious leaders? Naughty again. Adulterous affairs? Naughty. Stupid decisions based on incomplete information? Naughty! Santa Claus likes this system because it easily separates trustworthy persons from the average politician. The only problem is that nobody would be left in Congress, let alone the Louisiana state legislature.
Proposal # 2: Work Together, or Else.
Do you know why Santa is able to deliver millions of Christmas toys in one night? The answer is simple: everybody works together. Considering our present economical, political and ideological situations, Santa proposes that Americans work together to save their butts. This plan seems as good as any other. In accordance with Proposal #1, only our nice citizens will make important decisions. Meanwhile, all naughty people will be punished with unpleasant tasks; for example, naughty elves get reindeer scat duty.
Proposal #3: Quiet the Voices in Your Head.
A journalist recently asked Santa why he chose to live at the North Pole instead of a more pleasant climate. The writer supposed Santa would attribute his odd environmental preference to the reindeer, the elves or even Mrs. Claus; yet Santa’s response was completely unexpected. “Isolationism,” he replied. “If my elves had access to half your country’s nonsense media, we’d never get any work done.” As a member of the “nonsense media,” I disagree with Santa’s reasoning. Nevertheless, he proposes banning external influences as we work together on fixing America. He says we pay too much attention to opinions on CNN and Fox News instead of using our own brains. Santa also can’t understand why we allow entertainers, who generally aren’t known for being levelheaded, to influence our votes. Finally, he wants to know why we’re fascinated with “The View,” since listening to female dogs howl at each other is not generally considered entertaining.
Proposal #4: Have a Very Merry Christmas.
Christmas is the only holiday that encourages people around the world to show love toward each other, give selflessly, and appreciate friends and family. Whether or not people actually do this is another matter. Unfortunately, many people get so caught up in the commercialized chaos of the holiday season, they miss its true meaning. Santa believes that if more people lived in the spirit of Christmas, America would be a better place, and we wouldn’t need to pretend that charity could be mandated by the government. Mr. Claus is disgusted at the commercial usage of his personal charity project, and he wants to remind everybody that we’re not celebrating his toys or his own birth. He recommends watching “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown,” singing carols and having a good night.
© 2008 Timothy Samaha (First published in PoV Magazine in Houma, LA)
