The Presidential Primaries are supposed to narrow the vast field of contenders to the people who can actually win the U.S. Presidency. White House hopefuls tour the country giving speeches and kissing babies, announcing their plans for “Change”—glorious, necessary, inevitable Change—and slinging mud at each other. According to television news anchors, every state in a candidate’s itinerary was the most important one for votes: apparently, either Iowa or West Virginia determined the presidency, but the journalists have not yet decided which one.

But the primaries are almost over, and despite the patriotic hand clapping, fist shaking and flag waving that was supposed to tell me what differentiated one candidate from another, I am left with one impression: I have a headache. I assume that you, my intelligent reader, have experienced the same head-pounding patriotism as I.

That is why I invented Obacain, a revolutionary new product guaranteed to relieve the worst politician-induced migraines. I even named this product after two presidential hopefuls, Barack Obama and John McCain, because those are the two I would like to see in the final running. Therefore, even the name of my new product is somewhat patriotic, and you as a blue-blooded American can feel good about using it.

Obacain is quite easy to administer, offering quick relief when a politician’s frightening face suddenly appears on television. Just squeeze a dime-size amount of Obacain into your hand, and gently massage it onto your forehead. Obacain’s fresh minty scent will also open your sinus passages, making my ingenious product two values for the price of one. Within seconds, the tension will melt away, and you will be able to calmly listen to your favorite politicians repeat themselves without actually saying anything.

Nearly every headache-inducing political moment can be relieved by Obacain, even if those moments occurred weeks ago. Does Hillary’s badly acted weeping still leave you in tears from pain? Rub Obacain on your forehead! Did you lose track of how many movie stars and Kennedys supported Obama? Deeply inhale Obacain’s minty freshness, and your head will be clear enough to perform algebra again. Still wondering why McCain hasn’t revealed too much about himself? Obacain will give you X-ray vision! Are you tired of watching Obama pretend to have a platform? Obacain can’t give him any substantial things to say, but at least you’ll feel better while listening to his meaningless rhetoric!

As long as you use Obacain as directed on its red, white and blue box, you will be satisfied with your purchase; yet I cannot guarantee that Obacain will solve all your problems. For example, deep fears embedded in your subconscious from Hillary’s cackling will require a psychologist, and I cannot help you. If you live in California, Dr. Phil cannot help you either. Finally, the use of Obacain will not magically make you understand the politicians’ platforms, because none of them actually have one. I promise relief, not miracles.

Order your Obacain today!

p.s. If any enterprising manufacturers decide to create anything remotely related to Obacain, please remember that I created it and will sue. Have a nice day. :-)

© timothy samaha